Thursday, November 27, 2014
Smuggle Verse, Scene 1, Job Runnup
Jayne, "Life is weird."
Malcolm, "That's because you make it weird."
Jayne, "No, I mean life is weird. Yesterday I was jonesing for a Sunny-colored gal named Buttercup in a movie and here today we are going to meet her. That's just weird. That's every man's fantasy"
Malcolm, "Tomorrow Jayne, we meet tomorrow and your weirdness could be because this deal has been in the works and so we watched that movie as part of our intel on that ship. The primary target is The Princess Buttercup."
Jayne, "But don't you think it is weird. I mean me jonesing for her, her being on that ship, and not just on that ship but on that ship with Darth Vader?"
Malcolm, "Who? Oh, you mean Anakin. This Anakin is before the whole Darth Vader thing."
Jayne, "Is he going to tell me I'm his father? Because if he does that will make it even more weird."
Malcolm, "You have it backwards, he tells you he is your father. And why would it be weird for you to find out you fathered a child in a port you've been to many times?"
Jayne, "I'm just saying, I think the whole thing is weird."
Malcolm, "The only thing weird is us on this ship all having over 170 IQs and yet we are still having this seemingly inane conversation raising my blood pressure. Where's your brain?"
Zoey, "I believe his brain has gone missing."
Malcolm, "Ahh, Zoey, ever with the perfect line and impeccable timing. Thanks for that. Your rescues are always welcome. Now that you are here we can start the crew meeting. But, first maybe we should would switch video themes on this ship and go with The Hitchhiker's Guide. You can be Trillion, Zoey, I can be, well, Arthur Dent...I know, I know, I know...macho man, gun slinger doesn't really fit Dent but Jayne being split-brained Zaphod Beeblebrex is starting to make a whole lot of sense right now. How can you have a 170 IQ and be so spaced out? Speaking of video themes, did we get any cuts from yesterday's public feed."
Zoey, "Just one, of you and your funny commode."
Jayne, "You mean funny something else."
Zoey, "I wouldn't know Jayne, care to enlighten us?"
Malcolm, "ENOUGH! We got a job to consider."
Malcolm, "I called this meeting because normally this ship isn't a democracy and we don't vote. But I'm making an exception on this job for two reasons. One is that this job is possibly a year long and t' other reason is that it is a security detail, something I promised never to do. Now I promised you all when we started this little smuggling company that no matter how desperate things were, we'd never hire out as security. As former military..."
Jayne, "Speak for yourself."
Malcolm, "...it is only natural that people would want to hire us for security. Security is what I'm asking you to consider tomorrow in the job interview. As long as we never do a security job then our reputation stands. We are now considering opening ourselves to a whole 'nother Universe of trouble if word gets around we run security. Not the least of which smuggling doesn't count for nothin' on space faring law enforcement radars, but security puts us right up there at the top of the list. So as such we are all doing this job interview together as a crew tomorrow. The following day we are taking a vote as crew. Fortunately we've been running 100% real-time video streams as this Firefly theme going on three years now. That should help some with the man's nerves when it comes to us switching to security"
Wash, "Smugglers with 100% video stream is pretty clever. That's one of the reasons I hang around, being clever. As the only non-military crew on this boat let me just say, so what you're saying is that we are really that desperate?"
Jayne, "I'm not military. My coat is green."
Wash, "Says the guy with a 170 IQ apparently dedicated for the sole purpose of building a one-of-a-kind seven foot military robot so loaded with ammo that we can't dock at half the harbors in this verse because we don't meet weight restrictions."
Jayne, "I'm ain't military, do ma?"
Malcolm, "Can I continue?"
Malcolm, "We are desperate. Not one of our signals produced any cuts longer than my pissing time in months. Both shuttle rents still cover all the fuel, food and repair on this boat but we ain't had any smuggling work in what seems like ages. Nobody wants to see a crew sitting around picking their noses. And I don't want to switch themes when we've been at this one for three years, despite Jayne's resemblance to Beeblebrex being a mighty powerful intoxication on that score."
Zoey, "Does River know?"
Malcolm, "I presume so and she's paying shuttle rent, not crew."
Zoey, "And Inara?"
Malcolm, "She's checking her voters and the Ambassador as we speak, which is why she ain't here."
Jayne, "What's the pay off?"
Malcolm, "Princess Buttercup has a one million vote block for a high-ranking treasury position."
Wash, "Wow, and all it takes is Inara's fifty-thousand, ambassador position voting block and we can get access to any port in the verse. Imagine what a million, treasury voting block will get cha'. I'm impressed. But why choose a name Buttercup for someone that prestigious? That's what I call Zoey when..."
Zoey, "Wash, really?"
Jayne, "So is the plan to get her on this boat for me to woo her with my cunning robot? If so I'm down for that."
Book, "I'd like to point out that picking your nose is what made the cut yesterday."
Malcolm, "What? Oh, my pissing? We are not going there. I've said it a million times, we are not going the pop route as a matter of course. And I didn't see you walk in preacher man. How long you been here and you plan on joining us outlaws on this one?"
Book, "Just since Zoey made the comment about pissing. I haven't decided yet, but if I do come along I'll be changing character. One can only stretch a gun-wielding preacher so far."
Malcolm, "As long as you stay in theme. I don't like mixing. The Princess Bride and Star Wars? A bounty hunter looking to bring River in will do fine."
Zoey, "That's just two. They have more themes."
Malcolm, "Meh, sacrilege."
Jayne, "So how are we planning on getting The Princess Buttercup on this spaceship? And what's the plan, better ratings?"
Wash, "First you have to have ratings in order to get better ratings."
Malcolm, "That's the hitch. We are not planning on luring The Princess Buttercup onto this crew. We are doing it strictly for the money."
Jayne, "Really! Wow! I want in on this. I need to buy Vera a husband, with even more ammo."
Wash, "Who's going to believe we are doing this for money when all of our runs for the last three years have been good will bartering? Smugglers fly under the radar with barter. We don't use money. Zoey and I don't even have a bank account. Not to mention River. We started this whole endeavor as good will trip, to give River a moving spaceship home safe from moneyed interests latching onto her. Now we are going to become that moneyed interest? Our entire video stream has been about a good will bartering life style, we are promoting it?!? We going to sell off River next? This is just crazy!"
Malcolm, "All good points, Wash. I'll have more to say on the pay off after the job interview tomorrow. For now, let's just get the details of the security job and then we can weigh them against the pay off and our three-years of barter-only video stream. Inara will have even more objections than you have, Wash, given her occupation and vote bank account."
Jayne, "Wait, didn't you say the primary target is Buttercup? I want Buttercup and the money."
Malcolm, "I knew that 170 IQ was in there somewhere. Yes I did. As I said, we are doing it strictly for the money from their perspective."
Zoey, "So, I take it the cameras are off right now?"
Malcolm, "River is real-time editing."
Malcolm, "Anyway, needless to say, any talk about anything other than money is clandestine but Wash, absolutely keep the up the bartering angst. We're going to need it to sell it. River's pretty adept at real-time editing our feeds but lets give her the least amount to edit, if you don't mind. We meet at 0900 tomorrow. Be there and be sharp. And most importantly, think tonight about if you want to become not just smugglers, but security. When we regroup tomorrow I want to hear 170 IQ, in depth insight in the conversation weighing the pros and cons. None of this stuff about Darth Vader."
Well come! and Well met!